Pain Killer

I'm numb. It's a power that I must use more carefully and more to my advantage. So far so good though--I scored a trip to CO. And probably 85% free.
I wish I would stop this pain. This longing to just be with him. He's all I ever wanted and I was so ready. The tears and hurt are getting easier to bury, but only because I pave it with the lies I give to other boys. As much as I try, the truth comes alive in the quiet moments.

I was Admiring how manly he drank as he sipped on a seasonal house brew. He shared the taste. I giggled and remembered it was OK. then the cupcakes--the box mix and other ingredients, but I was really enjoying the feeling of his eyes undressing me. I'd turn around with a coy smile, he knew that I knew about his wandering eyes and he smiled. I added ingredients but he mixed with pride. I felt so happy and wanted more of him but had to cut it short.
Good food.
Better company.
Cupcakes.
It was the perfect date...

And school. All this pride. Holding secrets. I couldn't read him. He was withdrawn, but so was I. I had to make things right.. I missed him dearly. Despite it all, he didn't deserve that treatment; we were better than that.
And so writing back and forth while he was deployed in afghanistan is when things really built into something beautiful. The more we talked, the more we opened up, I knew what I felt was still the same: "perfection." He was all I ever wanted, I was so excited and happy. I counted down the days. Bought gifts way in advance. Planned for our future dates. I was in love but I was going to wait...

Chad chose someone else. He had two children with another woman, and he chose to do whatever it took for his kids. And thus, he chose someone else.
Every day I wake up to the sounds of my own breathing, only to be reminded that still I'm alone. That I thrive for those moments of when I felt perfect contentment in my life. Shit, even this heartbreak was too perfect; the aching pain is something worthy of an applause, this mastermind really got under my skin and broke my body's strongest muscle to the very core.

Who knows when the numbing, aching pain will be cured. It took one guy to this good girl bad, so I'm sure it'll take one guy to really resolve this issue. But even I am tired of the numbing... "Hmm what to do.
How to live.
Who to take advantage of next. "

These are the thoughts that ease a pained heart.