Pain Killer

I'm numb. It's a power that I must use more carefully and more to my advantage. So far so good though--I scored a trip to CO. And probably 85% free.
I wish I would stop this pain. This longing to just be with him. He's all I ever wanted and I was so ready. The tears and hurt are getting easier to bury, but only because I pave it with the lies I give to other boys. As much as I try, the truth comes alive in the quiet moments.

I was Admiring how manly he drank as he sipped on a seasonal house brew. He shared the taste. I giggled and remembered it was OK. then the cupcakes--the box mix and other ingredients, but I was really enjoying the feeling of his eyes undressing me. I'd turn around with a coy smile, he knew that I knew about his wandering eyes and he smiled. I added ingredients but he mixed with pride. I felt so happy and wanted more of him but had to cut it short.
Good food.
Better company.
Cupcakes.
It was the perfect date...

And school. All this pride. Holding secrets. I couldn't read him. He was withdrawn, but so was I. I had to make things right.. I missed him dearly. Despite it all, he didn't deserve that treatment; we were better than that.
And so writing back and forth while he was deployed in afghanistan is when things really built into something beautiful. The more we talked, the more we opened up, I knew what I felt was still the same: "perfection." He was all I ever wanted, I was so excited and happy. I counted down the days. Bought gifts way in advance. Planned for our future dates. I was in love but I was going to wait...

Chad chose someone else. He had two children with another woman, and he chose to do whatever it took for his kids. And thus, he chose someone else.
Every day I wake up to the sounds of my own breathing, only to be reminded that still I'm alone. That I thrive for those moments of when I felt perfect contentment in my life. Shit, even this heartbreak was too perfect; the aching pain is something worthy of an applause, this mastermind really got under my skin and broke my body's strongest muscle to the very core.

Who knows when the numbing, aching pain will be cured. It took one guy to this good girl bad, so I'm sure it'll take one guy to really resolve this issue. But even I am tired of the numbing... "Hmm what to do.
How to live.
Who to take advantage of next. "

These are the thoughts that ease a pained heart.

What's Eating You?

ive complained a few time to you about my insomnia. i mentioned recently about a rash. on thursday i scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician. i wake up that morning feeling intense burning sensations in my skin. i decide to take a cold shower and i break out into more welts, hives, and even blisters. i freaked out and headed to my doctor right away. as soon as she see me, she turns me away to the ER. so im freaking out, and i go to the ER. fortunately i get taken care of and discharged the same day. doctors orders? no activities that will cause me to sweat and stress out. the water dehydrates my skin and the stress causes me to get into break outs. i get prescribed meds and im released from the hospital. fortunately my skin is healing over and ive been sleeping a little bit better. having the meds helps too.
ive been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts and just crap lately. i have a tendency to bottole my emotions and to keep my mouth shut... to deal with my problems by ignoring them and keeping myself busy. in most scenarios itd be the best way for me to cope. but it took my body over and dealt me a terrible blow. words cannot express how ive been feeling and how it felt to be alone at the hospital thinking about my stresses... and then having to feel the pain caused by my stress. it was a different kind of hell and fear. 

im doing as doctors say. taking my meds. slathering lotions and oils. not doing a damned thing except xbox and read. i feel frustrated and useless.... but now im beginning to enjoy this time to be dull.



it means more reason to eat. to enoy the simple things of life. not to worry about figure, appearance, strength... things i deem necessary to being beautiful and awesome. to just do me and to do me as a wholesome, complete women. yes i like food. yes i get fat. yes i like video games. yes i am lazy! these doctors orders... theyre something else. :)
but i know i'm gladly waiting for the opportunity to get back into the game and just going hard! but for now... ill allow myself to fill up on the boring, fat life.

Eating Up Life,
RAE!

i dream of sleep

In a day ... awake at 0730
but today woke up late.
slept at 0230... sometimes 0300

so when i lay down... this is 2200-2230
I get trapped in my thoughts
the darkness is so convincing.
there are no dreams...
I'm in a well of shame
. un satisfaction .

its a different kind of nightmare. its all real.


I shouldn't be this weak. it shouldn't be an option.
i've got plenty to be proud of. achieved all on my own.
but im frustrated and tired and overwhelmed.............

i got my insurance today.
i cant wait to see the doctor...

a different kind of excitement.
im going to kill this insomnia.

AWAKE.
RAE

Thought About It

And I woke up realizing that there's nothing else to figure. It was coming and I should've seen the signs.

Pressing forward... Rae Remember: God puts people in your life for a reason. He also removes them. So breathe. Let IT go... Let GOD in. <3

Random phone calls from boys of the past. My girls who always back me up have already vowed to support me and keep me strong... Next to tackle: my mother. She actually cared like I did. But I can do this; God is with me and it's just one guy.

Confidence is silent.... Insecurity is loud.

Alex... Where ever you are. I hope you know it's easy to confuse lust for love. Not exactly sure what happened between us. You know where we really stood. We really did have a lot of potential. Unfortunately it was short lived. Whatever the reason, I forgive you. But I hope God is also merciful to you, because He knows the truth about my heart and my actions. Congrats on the baby news...

Single, Ambitious, & Confident,
RAE

This Just In:

I trusted Alex even though all the signs were there.

I feel like disappearing.

Broken,
RAE

Its not going to be easy

We've come to a point where colors can shine their brightest. Unfortunately the darkness bleeds deeper and I feel reluctant to want to pursue any kind of future. But here I am. There you are...

You beg me to be the same but what has been done is done. We need to learn from our mistakes do as to not let history repeat itself. Who in their right mind asks for another heart ache anyway?

The world is a crazy place. Personalities are very hard to measure with so much recession talk floating around. Desperation is on a whole other level. What IS easy is making more destruction and chaos. Everyone's doing it... We live in a society where it's important to think of yourself first, to fuck off the rest and make the best for thy self... That responsibility is limited bc everyone is hungry to move out of this economic crisis. Does that mentality have to transcend into love? No. But it still does... Culture. American society. People are fucking messed up!

It's easy. But it's not right...

This whole you and me... I can't promise you constant affection, sweet nothings, and ease. I can give you me and I am here. I am here to make things right, to guide us into a positive light, that our colors will shine all shades because we can adapt and overcome anything with vibrancy and life.

Its not going to be easy
But I am here

You have my heart...
RAE!

So here I am

Feeling and living it. It really is too good to be true.

Alexander Louis Sealock. Gosh, I could say his name over and over and over... And my heart grows rich in fondness, my soul bubbles, melts, and cools itself in this weird homeostatic system, and my body aches for him more like some crazy drug... I try to deny the fact that I'm crazy head over heels for this dude, but this feeling is something completely real.

Theres no turning back. So stop fighting it, you're heart is already all in....

So here I am. Take it or leave it.

I just hope you never break it. This feeling... It's beyond my mind, body & soul. Please be careful with me...

Feeling everything lovely,
RAE!