What's Eating You?

ive complained a few time to you about my insomnia. i mentioned recently about a rash. on thursday i scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician. i wake up that morning feeling intense burning sensations in my skin. i decide to take a cold shower and i break out into more welts, hives, and even blisters. i freaked out and headed to my doctor right away. as soon as she see me, she turns me away to the ER. so im freaking out, and i go to the ER. fortunately i get taken care of and discharged the same day. doctors orders? no activities that will cause me to sweat and stress out. the water dehydrates my skin and the stress causes me to get into break outs. i get prescribed meds and im released from the hospital. fortunately my skin is healing over and ive been sleeping a little bit better. having the meds helps too.
ive been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts and just crap lately. i have a tendency to bottole my emotions and to keep my mouth shut... to deal with my problems by ignoring them and keeping myself busy. in most scenarios itd be the best way for me to cope. but it took my body over and dealt me a terrible blow. words cannot express how ive been feeling and how it felt to be alone at the hospital thinking about my stresses... and then having to feel the pain caused by my stress. it was a different kind of hell and fear. 

im doing as doctors say. taking my meds. slathering lotions and oils. not doing a damned thing except xbox and read. i feel frustrated and useless.... but now im beginning to enjoy this time to be dull.



it means more reason to eat. to enoy the simple things of life. not to worry about figure, appearance, strength... things i deem necessary to being beautiful and awesome. to just do me and to do me as a wholesome, complete women. yes i like food. yes i get fat. yes i like video games. yes i am lazy! these doctors orders... theyre something else. :)
but i know i'm gladly waiting for the opportunity to get back into the game and just going hard! but for now... ill allow myself to fill up on the boring, fat life.

Eating Up Life,
RAE!

i dream of sleep

In a day ... awake at 0730
but today woke up late.
slept at 0230... sometimes 0300

so when i lay down... this is 2200-2230
I get trapped in my thoughts
the darkness is so convincing.
there are no dreams...
I'm in a well of shame
. un satisfaction .

its a different kind of nightmare. its all real.


I shouldn't be this weak. it shouldn't be an option.
i've got plenty to be proud of. achieved all on my own.
but im frustrated and tired and overwhelmed.............

i got my insurance today.
i cant wait to see the doctor...

a different kind of excitement.
im going to kill this insomnia.

AWAKE.
RAE

Its not going to be easy

We've come to a point where colors can shine their brightest. Unfortunately the darkness bleeds deeper and I feel reluctant to want to pursue any kind of future. But here I am. There you are...

You beg me to be the same but what has been done is done. We need to learn from our mistakes do as to not let history repeat itself. Who in their right mind asks for another heart ache anyway?

The world is a crazy place. Personalities are very hard to measure with so much recession talk floating around. Desperation is on a whole other level. What IS easy is making more destruction and chaos. Everyone's doing it... We live in a society where it's important to think of yourself first, to fuck off the rest and make the best for thy self... That responsibility is limited bc everyone is hungry to move out of this economic crisis. Does that mentality have to transcend into love? No. But it still does... Culture. American society. People are fucking messed up!

It's easy. But it's not right...

This whole you and me... I can't promise you constant affection, sweet nothings, and ease. I can give you me and I am here. I am here to make things right, to guide us into a positive light, that our colors will shine all shades because we can adapt and overcome anything with vibrancy and life.

Its not going to be easy
But I am here

You have my heart...
RAE!

So here I am

Feeling and living it. It really is too good to be true.

Alexander Louis Sealock. Gosh, I could say his name over and over and over... And my heart grows rich in fondness, my soul bubbles, melts, and cools itself in this weird homeostatic system, and my body aches for him more like some crazy drug... I try to deny the fact that I'm crazy head over heels for this dude, but this feeling is something completely real.

Theres no turning back. So stop fighting it, you're heart is already all in....

So here I am. Take it or leave it.

I just hope you never break it. This feeling... It's beyond my mind, body & soul. Please be careful with me...

Feeling everything lovely,
RAE!

My Heart Beats Like a Symphony

“The one who would be in constant happiness must frequently change.” ~ Confucious

Flow. We cling to things in the past and cling to things in the present. Do you want to enjoy a symphony?

Don’t hold on to a couple of notes...
Don’t hold on to a few bars of the music...

Let them f l o w .

The whole enjoyment of a symphony lies in your readiness to allow such complexities to pass...

With the passing of Julie (RIP 10.29.2011), I've come to the realization that not everything has a plan and that even with a plan will you always be able to follow suit. Success does not always mean that you started a project and were able to finish accordingly--although that is ideal. But sometimes the best successes and joys of life are being able to adapt and over come... Things happen in life all the time. Some good. Some bad. I'm not always ready, but I'm learning to float.

My favorite candy bar... Hershey's Symphony Bar in Milk Chocolate Toffee Almond has become my latest craving--and no, I'm not pregnant! But it's so simple, and straightforward, and so complex and it hits every single one of my happy spots.

My heart beats like a symphony
I'm ready and open for love to flow...

Floating,
RAE

A little bit of negative

Fuck. I'm pissed.

I had a test today and i overslept. I cant believe i did this to myself. But in general, life is rough and stressful.
Let's be honest... I'm overwhelmed with the idleness and it feels like my attempts for change go unnoticed.

I don't know what to do. I definitely feel like a zombie right now. Just kind of doing whatever.

Shaking My Head,
RAE

I don’t want to forget this moment.

Hello life,

I’ve started a new chapter as of January 15th of this year. I moved to the LBC and thus far it has been wonderful. No serious problem despite the constant struggle to pay for rent.

I work at Los Angeles Helicopters as a receptionist/dispatcher. India… lima oscar victor echo… tango hotel india sierra… juliet oscar bravo…
I got to school at Harbor Occupational Center for the Pharmacy Technician program where I am within the top 5 of my class.

I wake up every day and I still think of my favorite flight. And by the end of the day, as I prep myself for complete rest, I realize how much I hate the fact: It was the best trip, and it all crashed—beyond my control—while I was still enjoying the happy air. Maybe I was the only one felt this high…? Why…? But I don’t regret, I just reflect.

My laptop is broken. It has STDs or something.
This asshole asked me recently to be his friends with benefits. I said no. He’s Asian, short in stature and knowledge, and more importantly, probably has a small weenis. I don’t settle, and definitely don’t let boys distract these eyes from the prize.
I turned 24 recently. It was a wonderful 7 days of celebration filled with food, alcohol, and gallivanting. I cracked my phone—battle scars of an eventful evening of crazy dancing. Everyone in my life has been truly a blessing, and I couldn’t ask for more.

But here I am, already asking before I’ve finished my business here. My next step? A bachelors. I’m ready for university after I’ve found a position using my Pharmacy Technician skills. I’d like to go into the field of medicine. I want to look back and be able to say I’ve completed the task…….


I don’t want to forget this moment.
AMBITIOUS MONSTER, RAE.

"I Am The Greatest"

Birthday in TRES DIAS!!!

So if you haven't heard, then you suck.

I'll be spending my birthday at X-location, Hollywood, CA. And from taking a virtual tour via the club's website, I started to notice some similarities. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think the Usher video for "Love in this Club" was filmed at this particular club.

Hahaha... gay, random, but to me, relevant! Will I find love in this club? Or Usher and his f*ckin flat nose? I have no idea. But I'm sooooo down to get piss drunk for the first time out of my soon to be 23 years of breathing.

On that note, maybe I should add that on my birthday I want:

-1 MAN
...to take care of me for the night, and be totally, entirely chivalrous and sweet to me.

ugggggh* but I already know that won't happen. :(
come back knight in dessert camo armor! haha.
wow, that probably made sense to only 3 people.

Anyway, enjoy Usher's video, Keri's ridiculous curves, and the song of Rae's day:



<3, RAE!

Birthday in FOUR!!!

Decided to post a list of all my wants and desires for my special day... not that any of them are going to come true. haha but just in case there's some caring individual that reads my blogs, this one's for you:

-Nuvo (in the PINK bottle!)
-Flowers (specifically not roses b/c they're so damned easy to come by)
-A butt load of crappy, homemade birthday cards that are short, but surprisingly sweet!
-gift cards to any of the following:

• H&M
• Forever 21
• American Apparel
• Urban Outfitters
• Gamestop
• Victoria's Secret

THANKS IN ADVANCE, GIFT GIVERS.
RAE!

The Simple Penny

There are times when we all need a bit of encouragement.
Above Lincoln's head on the U.S. penny is "IN GOD WE TRUST."
Simply reading this can soothe the soul and place hope into one's future.















Happiness is not an intangible asset,
RAE!

Ugh...

I can't sleep.

I'm buggin.

And it helps to talk to someone. BUT i've got no one!!! ugh...


fml,
RAE

Still Shocked

I come back from vegas, and now I'm single.
A definite WTF moment...

Vegas was almost uneventful. I mean seriously, I didn't watch the Pacquiao fight, I didn't really get to enjoy myself at the club, I didn't get to hang out with dre (my GOOD LONG TIME FRIEND) for more than 3 minutes, I didn't place AT ALL during the competition...
ALL EVENTS PLANNED DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN!

And the one event that was pretty dramatic: the break up.

God, help me get through this phase. How do I find the right answers? I wish he'd find the energy to care for me. I wish things were different. But this is reality... it doesn't change--even on vacations--apparently.

I want to be in control, and I find myself falling out. I'm a mess right now. I refuse to believe he does not think of me. And if I'm right, I hope he shows me--I hope he comes through...

Something tells me this is it. Fuck.

returning for the night,
RAE.

Good Times

A bunch of random stuff that happened this year. And I was able to gather photos. Enjoy these memorable stories via photographs! YAY!

Camera Less

I haven't really been posting. Although things have been happening, I honestly don't feel compelled to write/post anything because I don't have anymore pictures to go with my postings. I guess I'm the type of person who enjoys visual aids. haha... that's lame, and geeky, but so damn true.

Anyway, if you want to know, this is how my camera broke: I went kayaking one day with Aldrin. I got water on it, even though it was packed nicely into two ziplocks--NOT ONE... it was just frustrating taking pictures with the baggie on, and decided to snap a few shots without the baggies. I guess water got into it somehow, or the heat from it being inside the ziplocks caused it to act funky. Basically, it just went to shit after having it for about a year and half. I have the worse luck with cameras, despite having some talent in taking photos.

Fortunately, I do have pictures, and I believe my memory card is still in good condition. Unfortunately, I can't load them up via my laptop. My laptop doesn't have a Pro Duo port. fml....fml..........fml.


Since we're on the topic of events happening, I'm going to vegas soon.
And that should be fun, but crappy at the same time because I don't have a camera!!!

I'm done venting.
RAE!

Wild Things

Sadly, I won't be able to see this on the day of its premiere.
AND, rarely do I ever want to really make those types of functions.



But hopefully I get to see it that weekend!

<33, RAE!

Lacking Smiles

She says, "I don't think I remember the last time you've smiled."

What she forgets to say is "Why?"

I’ve learned to grow up even more with the mounting pressure of the recession. I think one of my biggest lessons learned, thus far, is that complaining really gets you nowhere. So why do people huff and puff? I feel that expressing what is me is necessary, but what is equally important is doing something to resolve the situation. Continuing to complain doesn’t make the situation any better; the issue will still be an issue with or without the heavy emotions. Action is the key.

I told my mother about trying out for the dance auditions. Keep in mind, I’ve only become a dancer until my mom forced me into it during the 6^th grade. Taking lessons wasn’t my idea at all, and without her excessive pushing and forcing, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with the art. As talented as I am, I honestly have to attribute my mother as a large part of my dancing career. I thought she would have been proud to know I auditioned. I thought…

I call my house, and she’s not home. I leave a message saying she needs to call me, for the sake of catching up with my mom. I end it with a smile and hang up. My mom calls back, and when I begin to tell her the news, it goes something like, “I just wanted to talk to you. I auditioned for Tokyo Disneyland…”

She says, “hmm… okay. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I wanted to let you know how it went.”

“Well. Did you make it?”

“No, but—“

“So you skipped on work and school, for that? And you didn’t even make it? Had I known, I would’ve told you not to do it.”

The tears ached through my sockets. I didn’t want to taste the bitterness. I let her continue, totally in shock of what I was hearing. But also, not sure if I should continue to be in shock—especially since it isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’m not really sure what to think of my mother. She complains that I don’t reach out to her, but should I feel guilty for not trying to when she treats me as such? If it were any other person there would be no hesitation, a case closed, the relationship would be severed. So I guess I’m conflicted, and my actions are showing through. Unfortunately, some people just don’t get it. Should I really try to educate others, when I totally feel like my place in this world isn’t meant to teach every dumb idiot out there, only to feel like I’m still misunderstood?

Unnecessary drama if you ask me.

I run after my dreams; I shoot for my aspirations; I can only go one way, and that is up because I’ve been encouraged to believe in forces that equally believe in me. And my mother, the God who had created me from scratch was limiting her own skin and blood, furthermore, not giving a care or slightest notion of care, for what her kin might be feeling.

Who smiles after all that?

I've Finally Conformed. So ADD Me.

Rae Cuenca

Create Your Badge

Lakers Are The Champs!

I totally wish I could be there. As well as the parade. Maybe this weekend I'll live it up--I am hitting vegas anyway. :) But if you're in the Long Beach area, show your LAKER LOVE at the sport chalet. This 15th Championship is a great accomplishment for us, celebrate! Just be safe Laker Fans!! [[click the pic for more details]]

<33,
RAE

Good and Well, BUT...

I don't want summer to be done without me. I need some good music in my system--some foot action needs to be released. The stress of finals has got my soul swamped. The only optimism I've got is that my heart is the only thing that carries a that GOOD beat.

Who wants to play?
RAE