i dream of sleep

In a day ... awake at 0730
but today woke up late.
slept at 0230... sometimes 0300

so when i lay down... this is 2200-2230
I get trapped in my thoughts
the darkness is so convincing.
there are no dreams...
I'm in a well of shame
. un satisfaction .

its a different kind of nightmare. its all real.


I shouldn't be this weak. it shouldn't be an option.
i've got plenty to be proud of. achieved all on my own.
but im frustrated and tired and overwhelmed.............

i got my insurance today.
i cant wait to see the doctor...

a different kind of excitement.
im going to kill this insomnia.

AWAKE.
RAE

Thought About It

And I woke up realizing that there's nothing else to figure. It was coming and I should've seen the signs.

Pressing forward... Rae Remember: God puts people in your life for a reason. He also removes them. So breathe. Let IT go... Let GOD in. <3

Random phone calls from boys of the past. My girls who always back me up have already vowed to support me and keep me strong... Next to tackle: my mother. She actually cared like I did. But I can do this; God is with me and it's just one guy.

Confidence is silent.... Insecurity is loud.

Alex... Where ever you are. I hope you know it's easy to confuse lust for love. Not exactly sure what happened between us. You know where we really stood. We really did have a lot of potential. Unfortunately it was short lived. Whatever the reason, I forgive you. But I hope God is also merciful to you, because He knows the truth about my heart and my actions. Congrats on the baby news...

Single, Ambitious, & Confident,
RAE

This Just In:

I trusted Alex even though all the signs were there.

I feel like disappearing.

Broken,
RAE

Its not going to be easy

We've come to a point where colors can shine their brightest. Unfortunately the darkness bleeds deeper and I feel reluctant to want to pursue any kind of future. But here I am. There you are...

You beg me to be the same but what has been done is done. We need to learn from our mistakes do as to not let history repeat itself. Who in their right mind asks for another heart ache anyway?

The world is a crazy place. Personalities are very hard to measure with so much recession talk floating around. Desperation is on a whole other level. What IS easy is making more destruction and chaos. Everyone's doing it... We live in a society where it's important to think of yourself first, to fuck off the rest and make the best for thy self... That responsibility is limited bc everyone is hungry to move out of this economic crisis. Does that mentality have to transcend into love? No. But it still does... Culture. American society. People are fucking messed up!

It's easy. But it's not right...

This whole you and me... I can't promise you constant affection, sweet nothings, and ease. I can give you me and I am here. I am here to make things right, to guide us into a positive light, that our colors will shine all shades because we can adapt and overcome anything with vibrancy and life.

Its not going to be easy
But I am here

You have my heart...
RAE!

So here I am

Feeling and living it. It really is too good to be true.

Alexander Louis Sealock. Gosh, I could say his name over and over and over... And my heart grows rich in fondness, my soul bubbles, melts, and cools itself in this weird homeostatic system, and my body aches for him more like some crazy drug... I try to deny the fact that I'm crazy head over heels for this dude, but this feeling is something completely real.

Theres no turning back. So stop fighting it, you're heart is already all in....

So here I am. Take it or leave it.

I just hope you never break it. This feeling... It's beyond my mind, body & soul. Please be careful with me...

Feeling everything lovely,
RAE!