What's Eating You?

ive complained a few time to you about my insomnia. i mentioned recently about a rash. on thursday i scheduled an appointment with my primary care physician. i wake up that morning feeling intense burning sensations in my skin. i decide to take a cold shower and i break out into more welts, hives, and even blisters. i freaked out and headed to my doctor right away. as soon as she see me, she turns me away to the ER. so im freaking out, and i go to the ER. fortunately i get taken care of and discharged the same day. doctors orders? no activities that will cause me to sweat and stress out. the water dehydrates my skin and the stress causes me to get into break outs. i get prescribed meds and im released from the hospital. fortunately my skin is healing over and ive been sleeping a little bit better. having the meds helps too.
ive been on a roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts and just crap lately. i have a tendency to bottole my emotions and to keep my mouth shut... to deal with my problems by ignoring them and keeping myself busy. in most scenarios itd be the best way for me to cope. but it took my body over and dealt me a terrible blow. words cannot express how ive been feeling and how it felt to be alone at the hospital thinking about my stresses... and then having to feel the pain caused by my stress. it was a different kind of hell and fear. 

im doing as doctors say. taking my meds. slathering lotions and oils. not doing a damned thing except xbox and read. i feel frustrated and useless.... but now im beginning to enjoy this time to be dull.



it means more reason to eat. to enoy the simple things of life. not to worry about figure, appearance, strength... things i deem necessary to being beautiful and awesome. to just do me and to do me as a wholesome, complete women. yes i like food. yes i get fat. yes i like video games. yes i am lazy! these doctors orders... theyre something else. :)
but i know i'm gladly waiting for the opportunity to get back into the game and just going hard! but for now... ill allow myself to fill up on the boring, fat life.

Eating Up Life,
RAE!

i dream of sleep

In a day ... awake at 0730
but today woke up late.
slept at 0230... sometimes 0300

so when i lay down... this is 2200-2230
I get trapped in my thoughts
the darkness is so convincing.
there are no dreams...
I'm in a well of shame
. un satisfaction .

its a different kind of nightmare. its all real.


I shouldn't be this weak. it shouldn't be an option.
i've got plenty to be proud of. achieved all on my own.
but im frustrated and tired and overwhelmed.............

i got my insurance today.
i cant wait to see the doctor...

a different kind of excitement.
im going to kill this insomnia.

AWAKE.
RAE

Thought About It

And I woke up realizing that there's nothing else to figure. It was coming and I should've seen the signs.

Pressing forward... Rae Remember: God puts people in your life for a reason. He also removes them. So breathe. Let IT go... Let GOD in. <3

Random phone calls from boys of the past. My girls who always back me up have already vowed to support me and keep me strong... Next to tackle: my mother. She actually cared like I did. But I can do this; God is with me and it's just one guy.

Confidence is silent.... Insecurity is loud.

Alex... Where ever you are. I hope you know it's easy to confuse lust for love. Not exactly sure what happened between us. You know where we really stood. We really did have a lot of potential. Unfortunately it was short lived. Whatever the reason, I forgive you. But I hope God is also merciful to you, because He knows the truth about my heart and my actions. Congrats on the baby news...

Single, Ambitious, & Confident,
RAE

This Just In:

I trusted Alex even though all the signs were there.

I feel like disappearing.

Broken,
RAE

Its not going to be easy

We've come to a point where colors can shine their brightest. Unfortunately the darkness bleeds deeper and I feel reluctant to want to pursue any kind of future. But here I am. There you are...

You beg me to be the same but what has been done is done. We need to learn from our mistakes do as to not let history repeat itself. Who in their right mind asks for another heart ache anyway?

The world is a crazy place. Personalities are very hard to measure with so much recession talk floating around. Desperation is on a whole other level. What IS easy is making more destruction and chaos. Everyone's doing it... We live in a society where it's important to think of yourself first, to fuck off the rest and make the best for thy self... That responsibility is limited bc everyone is hungry to move out of this economic crisis. Does that mentality have to transcend into love? No. But it still does... Culture. American society. People are fucking messed up!

It's easy. But it's not right...

This whole you and me... I can't promise you constant affection, sweet nothings, and ease. I can give you me and I am here. I am here to make things right, to guide us into a positive light, that our colors will shine all shades because we can adapt and overcome anything with vibrancy and life.

Its not going to be easy
But I am here

You have my heart...
RAE!